Issue #9, Spring 1997

Wanking...

...by any other name is still lots of fun. And although most Cygnals readers masturbate a lot, some still spell it "masterbate," which annoys me greatly. So next time you have to say it, say it like this:

• 1. Slapping Johnny on the back.
• 2. Dancing with the one-eyed sailor.
• 3. Pounding the fence post.
• 4. Saluting the general.
• 5. Fastening the chin strap on the helmet of love.
• 6. Wiggling your walrus.
• 7. Flipping your omelette.
• 8. Climbing trees with your pony pal smiley.
• 9. Sampling the secret sauce.
• 10. Gardening with the golden trowel.
• 11. Firing the 10 pound gun.
• 12. Unpacking the moving van.
• 13. Putting your thumb in the porridge.
• 14. Smiting the pink knight.
• 15. Working up a foamy lather.
• 16. Varnishing the banister.
• 17. Making the bald man cry.
• 18. Rubbing Buddha's tummy.
• 19. Squeezing the happy lumberjack.
• 20. Riding the five legged pony.
• 21. Combing your hair.
• 22. Straining your cabbage.
• 23. Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
• 24. Left to your own devices.
• 25. Fishing with dynamite.
• 26. Looking for clues with Fred and Daphne.
• 27. Shaking hands with Dr. Winky.
• 28. Crushing pop cans in the dark.
• 29. Raining on your parade.
• 30. Playing the single-string air guitar.
• 31. Strip-mining with the spaghetti man.
• 32. Greasing the three-legged cow.
• 33. Combing the hair on your bald pig Sally.
• 34. Making a deposit.
• 35. Cleaning out your account.
• 36. Making a cash withdrawal.
• 37. Plugging in the toaster.
• 38. Minding your own business.
• 39. Stretching the truth.
• 40. Hoisting your own petard.
• 41. Painting the flag pole.
• 42. Pulling yourself up by your own bootstrap.
• 43. Shooting yourself in the foot.
• 44. Teaching the Cyclops the Lambada.
• 45. Frying up the corndog.
• 46. Spending your Christmas bonus.
• 47. Consulting with your silent partner.
• 48. Taking a load off.
• 49. Pulling your own weight.
• 50. Screwing your courage to the sticking place.
• 51. Paying at the turnpike.
• 52. Helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college.
• 53. Putting your foot down.
• 54. Locking the bathroom door.
• 55. Unleashing the alabaster yak.
• 56. Stewing in your own juices.
• 57. Discovering your own potential.
• 58. Letting the cat out of the bag.
• 59. Calling in the secret service.
• 60. Working without Annette.
• 61. Doing your homework.
• 62. Feeding bologna to the Smurfs.
• 63. Taking a few practice shots.
• 64. Tending to your own affairs.
• 65. Making chowder with sailor Ned.
• 66. Painting the picket fence.
• 67. Working at your own speed.
• 68. Holding your own.
• 69. Wallowing in self pity.
• 70. Making magic with leftovers.
• 71. Tipping off the inspector.
• 72. Building upper-body strength.
• 73. Investing in pork bellies.
• 74. Hitting too close to home.
• 75. Distributing free literature.
• 76. Aiding and abetting a known felon.
• 77. Hosing down the driveway.
• 78. Caulking the cracks in the bathroom tile.
• 79. Barking up the wrong tree.
• 80. Visiting with Papa Smurf.
• 81. Whitewashing with Huck and Tom.
• 82. Invoking the Oscar Meyer love spell.
• 83. Walking a mile in Mr. Wiggly's shoes.
• 84. Putting your best foot forward.
• 85. Working late at the office.
• 86. Frosting your maple bar.
• 87. Sailing the mayonnaise seas.
• 88. Opening the flood gates.
• 89. Relishing your hot dog.
• 90. Making it up as you go along.
• 91. Giving the half-blind dog a run for his money.
• 92. Feeling your way around.
• 93. Brushing up on your typing skills.
• 94. Making the bread rise.
• 95. Liquidating the inventory.
• 96. Rolling it off the lot.
• 97. Spanking the rooster.
• 98. Communing with nature.
• 99. Dancing in the dragon's fiery breath.
• 100. Hotfooting it to the nearest exit.
• 101. Flogging the eggman.
• 102. Lubricating the love monkey.
• 103. Eating grapes with the one-armed man.
• 104. Making the world safe for democracy.
• 105. Playin' it safe.
• 106. Exercising your right to privacy.
• 107. Sizing things up.